God, Leave Me Bread Crumbs for When I Stray

Sometimes, we’d be eating a meal here in the house and dad might say something about his exes.  (It’s pretty cool how mom’s comfortable with that because she knows dad’s ex-girlfriends— friends with most of them, in fact.)  Then the next 20 seconds will be a series of statements between mom and dad that would hint either their allowance or disapproval of me having a girlfriend. 

“Yeah, of course you can get a girlfriend… Jk, not really— seriously though, you could… Or not.”

And I’m sitting there like… lolwut, mixed messages suck. 

I think they want me to figure this out on my own somehow so, sigh.

(It’s not like a boogeyman/Freddie-type nightmare.  More like being the subject of Inception.  I don’t know; it was some twisted dream I wish I never experienced.)

You and me, a few people hanging around.  In real life and in the dream, I’m happy as to where our relationship is going; but only in the dream did something unexpected happen.

Something was different.  And in my dream, you felt it; you knew something was wrong.  In real life, you’d know too.

In one second, everything changed.  The lights dimmed, and you looked at me like you never knew me anymore— an aggressive and hostile air was between us.

I realized what I did and I tried to say sorry, but I heard you say Leave me alone.  Don’t talk to me ever again.

So vivid, so real.  I fell for it— for the nightmare. 

I walked outside of where we were, and noticed I was in some pier.  I felt like it was in LA, but somewhere I never knew.  Around me, people were jogging.  Nobody cared about what just happened to me— to us. 

When you left me, I was lost.  I literally got lost in some city only my subconscious can conjure.

I pray that it won’t happen in real life.  It was just so scary.

lolol

Good one.

Here’s mine:

• <none>

Seriously though: With the way people come and go just like that in my life, in addition to the laborious amount of homework I have, I have absolutely no time or opportunity to pursue a more-than-just-friends relationship.

However, since this person is constant— does not change yesterday, today, tomorrow— I’ll have to say that the only relationship I pursued is that with my Lord, Jesus Christ— can I get an Amen.

Dear Jesus,

I don’t know whether I deserve to be with You.  I’m not sure if Your family would like me.  I’m not even sure if Your friends would like me.  I’m scared whether this relationship would last, but You can bet Your bottom denarii that I’ll try my best. 

I don’t know You that much, but I know enough about You to know You’re a really great person.  That’s why I’d like to be in a relationship with You.  I’d like to see how this relationship would grow.  I’d like to know how much more optimistic I’ll be towards life once I start to grow with You. 

And I know I’d like to know You better.  And I’ll make sure I won’t hide our relationship when I’m around my friends.  People are going to see me walking down the hall, and they’ll notice I got a diff’rent swag on, all because of You.  I know people would think it’s funny.  But hey, they won’t know what it’ll feel like.  It’ll be my turn to bear the cross now.

Yours truly,

Donne.

You sit behind me in History class.

And you talk… constantly.  And I would accept this behaviour, were this a Regular subject.  My good friend, please be more mature: this is an AP. 

I don’t want to hear how you went up on that one spot on Highrise with an M-16, red-dot, and dogged 15 people.  I don’t want to hear about how you took out 5 people in Search and Destroy using a Mini-Uzi with a Grip.  I don’t want to know about how Slight of Hand Pro and Martyrdom is better than One Man Army and Final Stand.  I never wanted to say this ever, but please, for the sake of growing, grow-up.

I really don’t appreciate you asking my 20 questions, while I’m listening to the teacher.  I don’t appreciate it when you use the F word to start and finish your sentences.  I don’t appreciate you asking me about what’s up between me and [I almost said her name, that was close], how much I love her and some other inappropriately sexual comments you have to say about me and her.  I don’t appreciate you saying you’re Christian, then you’re Buddhist, then you’re Jewish, then you’re something else— not until you figure out what it means to be in a religion. 

Honestly, you have the right to be who you want to be when you want to be.  this is America, after all.  But I want you to know that I’m constantly praying that your eyes be opened, before it’s too late.  You’re my friend because I know you’re there for me.  I’m sorry that I’m such a sucky friend. 

huh… I haven’t…

This is bad for any relationship: forgetting to tell the significant, one-and-only other how much one loves him/her.

There you go God, I love you :D

Hey, why stop at words?  I should show other people how I love you, shouldn’t I?

That’s what happens to people in love, I guess.  They tend to boast about the feeling.  And they do things they usually don’t/maybe can’t do.

that should be enough, right?  Then why do I feel the need to be with a girl; to hold her hand, sing songs with her, have long phone calls and what not.  I should be satisfied with what I have, shouldn’t I.  Ugh, I need to get these ideas outta my head.

(ps. Dear God, if she is out there, I hope I’ll know, and I hope she loves You just as much more than I do, or at least will learn to love you through me)

Dad just asked me to look something up at Amazon. It was a necklace… a really pretty one. He said he ordered one for mom. Oh dad, for someone who looks like he could tear me apart in a minute or knock me out in one blow, you’re a real softy for mom.

It’s so adorable to see mom and dad still strong in their relationship. Nineteen years and counting, till death do you part, hopefully. There sincere XOXOs tell me their still in love with each other. Mom’s so lucky she found a guy as patient as dad; and he’s so lucky he found a woman who, capricious as mom is, knows how to get to dad’s heart. Age doesn’t even matter to them. Mom’s like five years older than dad, but that can’t stop them. That can’t stop love. Not when it’s forealz. When it is, the imperfections can’t stop them from being together. 

They have a pretty ideal relationship I hope and pray will never be broken, because someday, it’ll be my turn. I’d want to know what a good marriage looks like before I get into one (even though I know that’s like WAAAY into the future). I’ll go through countless problems, and I know I won’t get through them alone. I hope someday it’ll be my turn to go on Amazon to order a gold necklace to make up for forgetting about the anniversary.