God, Leave Me Bread Crumbs for When I Stray

My parents.  Not being sarcastic, but I just think those two are God-blessed to have each other.  I’m doing homework over here and I hear mom asking dad for a kiss before they he goes to sleep (because she sleeps later).  So dorbz.  

Twenty years and counting.

I’ll pray to God they stick together to death.  That’s in about a hundred years.  

(So, I’m finally getting to this question after a long while)

Let me start off by saying that the heart is a precious thing (and not just the physical heart); it deserves to be guarded from breaking, but at the same time it can’t just be locked up on a tower like Rapunzel.

So… what do I look for in a girl?  I’m going to address this question assuming that you’re asking what attributes in a girl I find attractive or will lead me to love her.

Respect, as Aretha Franklin one sang.  It depresses me to think that there are some girls out there just giving themselves away like pamphlets.  I feel that a young woman who has respect for herself is going to get places and get stuff done.  I approve of girl-power.

Respect, part deux.  I think it’s pretty common to think that if a person really respects you, your relationship will grow healthily.  Respect is nutritious.  I’m hoping the woman I’ll fall in love with respects who I am: my flaws, my family, my past, my language, and most importantly, my faith.  I can’t grow intimate with anyone who thinks lowly of me.

Faith?  Of coarse!  In my opinion, if a young woman possesses a strong faith and close relationship to God, she basically fills up all the boxes I just put up.  I will love her, I will thank God that I met her, we will keep ourselves until marriage, so on and so forth.

If she’s athletic, that’s cool; I find athleticism admirable.  I hope she likes my corny jokes, because I’ll sure enjoy her’s.  I’ll acknowledge her flaws just as she should hopefully acknowledge mine; we’ll work together to be better people.  

To close, let me just add that I’m not looking for anyone perfect.  She doesn’t need to have a 4.0 gpa, doesn’t matter where she graduated from, doesn’t matter how many books she read.  Just sayin’.

I’m a lover, not a fighter
but I’ll fight for what I believe in
and I believe in love
so I’ll fight for those I love

(But if you count, I used love and fight the same amount of times in this whole post.  Minute details ftw)

The words she said in our little debate stuck to me.  Throughout my one-hour bus ride, they stuck to me.

I regretted asking.  I regretted hearing those words.  I regretted my ignorance.

Those words stuck to my head.  I entertained her ideas.  I thought I’ve been a strong Christian, but her words are like cold rapiers, piercing me— through my chest, to my heart, then ending in my mind.  And my soul was in shambles.

I sat there at the bus, my head low, as if I’d just lost a war with no one to greet this little veteran.  I though about God; why not, it’s what we talked about anyway.

I listened intently, and I feel like she had one the argument, and at the bus, the only thoughts that were running through my brain were:

Maybe God isn’t real.  Maybe we’re all just packs of meat and DNA, all derived from some single-celled organism billions of years ago.  We’re all just animals, no better than the cockroaches we step on, or the pigs we slaughter with pride.  We’re not human beings, we’re Homo sapiens— just brothers of apes.

And my emotions… They’re not real.  Everything I feel— all my passions, from love to hate— is just a clash of molecules in my body. 

In my search for righteousness, I always hoped to find a woman— just one woman— who I will fall in love with for the rest of our lives.  I guess finding love is futile, since love isn’t real (since emotions aren’t real).

What if I have no Creator:  I came from no one; when I die, I’m going nowhere; my life is irrelevant because what I do doesn’t matter— I’m just another mammal in this world; just another animal. 

Maybe I should just kill myself.  Since I came from no one and I’m going nowhere, then I have no purpose here on Earth.  My niche can be filled up by another Homo sapien.

There is no point in living anymore.  Why do I need to go to school, finish college, and support my family, when all of it is just futile.  Why should I try to make them proud, or why should I expect love from them, when love is not real.

What’s the point of living when there is no God— when there is no LOVE because it’s all just a clash of molecules running through my brain.

I was about to lose it in the bus.  Maybe for the final time (I thought to myself), I’ll pray to God. 

I prayed.  I forgot what I said exactly, but I know I asked for forgiveness— for all my iniquities, ignorance, and wickedness.

Just then, in front of me, I overheard two men talking to each other.  They were about my dad’s age.  I couldn’t completely hear them, but I did catch a few phrases.

One of them spoke of his struggles.  He told the other about how he got jailed.  He found refuge in Jesus Christ.  The other complemented him by saying “It’s all prayer, man.  You just gotta pray hard— you know?”  The other replied, “I know.  I’ve been so blessed already…” 

And their conversation went on.  The one who was jailed once said something about his sister— or wife, maybe— and how she has a strong spirit because of her faith.

And then, the unimaginable happened.

As my head was tucked in my arms, I cried.  It’s been a long time since I cried.  My head was down, but my tears rolled elegantly off to the side of my nose.  This was God speaking to me, through these two men.

I think God was trying to tell me:

No, Donne.  You’re not just another walking pack of meat.  I created you and your whole entire race to rule over all other creations. 

Know that love is real.  See how this man has found my Son, Jesus, and has lived in faith and love.  See how love is real, because I am real.  Everything you feel is real.  The only illusions here are those set up by a certain being who works against me.

But understand that I do love you.  There is a purpose in your life.  You feel love— from your parents and friends.  What sets you apart from other creatures on the Earth is the level of love only your race can fathom.

Run to me.  I am your Father.  Seek refuge in me.  I am the way, the truth, and the life.

I couldn’t contain my emotions, but I had to.  I needed to keep my composure for the time being. 

I came home, greeted by the smile and hello of my mother.  I realize that I am loved.  I do feel love.  With this in mind, I know that there is a purpose for my life— for all our lives.  

I’m still asking God for forgiveness, because I am by no means a theological genius.  There’s still questions I hunger to answer.  Until then, I can’t lose my faith.  No matter what you say to me, I will never turn my back from God, because as long as I can see and feel love— from God, from my family, from my friends— then I know that He’s here.

[some] People still use the word “gay” do describe undesirable things.

“Man, I don’t watch that [explicit], Glee is so gay.”

Two birds with one stone, buddy.  Not cool yo.

I don’t know if it became an American habit or something, but it has to stop.  I’ll admit, I have a pretty small vocabulary, but I can guarantee you I’ll find tons of words (or make my own up) before I’ll use the word gay in that negative sense.  Seriously, it has to stop. 

God has taught me many things, to share, spread, and promote love is one of them. 

Don’t hate, appreciate. 

There’s plenty of words that you can say, before you say this thing is gay.

(okay, I made that last thing up)

…I. friggin. mean it.

And I’m not afraid to say it.  Even if it annoys my sister.  In fact, it’s a good way to kinda shut her up sometimes.

“Hey sis”

“Hey dummy”

“I love you”

“o.O What the—”

[familial love ftw]

Cuz family comes first.